Music is to be enjoyed, not endured.

This has been my philosophy for about as long as I’ve had a temporal lobe. There’s a huge categorical difference between music that I simply don’t enjoy, and that which is undeniably bad. Unlike the former, which requires a degree in semantics, bad music can be identified almost scientifically.

To do so, allow me to summon the worst example of unlistenable bunk to ever disgrace the Internet.  ‘Music’ so bad, that it could have only been produced by one man… Why?… Because no two people would allow it to come into existence.  It was, in fact, birthed by none other than West Virginia’s favorite telemarketer, Judge Judy plaintiff, and self-proclaimed “Blues Man”: Romeo Rose.

First, lets first establish that Romeo Rose’s work contradicts the very definition of music.

Music (n) The art of arranging sounds in time so as to produce a continuous, unified, and evocative composition, as through melody, harmony, and rhythm.




If the fillings in your teeth aren’t aching, you might need to seek therapy.  The poor thing meanders along like a mortally wounded mallard, and is undeniably both Atonal, and Arrhythmic… two key words used to describe noise, not music.

Now, I didn’t stop there. If I’m not entirely sure how I feel about a song yet, or I need confirmation that my instincts are accurate, my roommate’s facial expressions have proved to be an effective litmus test.  As I qued up the youtube rendition of Sam’s BBQ, there was no mistaking the look of shear horror slapped across his face. In fact, the last time I had seen him make one that bad was when I saw his reaction to the 2girls1cup video, a while back.

His only words were:

“Legally speaking, I think I have grounds to issue a restraining order against this guy. I might have serious suicidal urges if I ever hear that again.”

He’s always had a penchant for the dramatic, but I don’t think he was kidding this go around.

The funniest part of this whole ‘Romeo Rose’ persona, is the fact that it can’t handle the slightest criticism. Anyone found to be mocking ‘Romeo’ receives nothing less than the loudest of unintelligible verbal lashings. (Giving merit to one of my father’s favorite quotations: “The loudest man in the room, is usually the dumbest.”)




Here’s what a few of my friends had to say:




Crazy Drunken Hilljack
“This dude takes quantum douchebaggerie to new levels.

It’s like he at all of his idols, picked their most obnxious quality and formed some sort of uberdouche-salad.”




Killer Ninjas
(On RR’s desire to move to Austin, TX)
“I don’t live in Austin, but have visited many times and have many friends from Austin. I know Austin.

Romeo Rose is [certainly] not becoming no Austinite.

Well known & accepted that Austin’s bums, homeless, trannies and/or street crazies may be, the second he set foot on any Austin sidewalk or club doorstep in that velvet-lined & gold-chained costume of his, he’d be shameless ridiculed right the fuck outta Dodge.

Sure, say what you want about Austin’s so-far-left-of-left-that-it’s-right-again political stances, snobbish music scene cabal, utterly genuine & widespread slacker attitude, weirdo post-hippie wasteland, and informal-to-the-point-of-publicly-wearing-rags sense of (anti-)fashion. . . but we don’t tolerate contrived, superficial, caricatured, and blockheaded impersonations of our artistic history lightly.

Romeo Rose would be hung from the highest rafter.

This is not an exaggeration.”




Lachlan
“I hate calling him Romeo Rose. Every fucking time I see him referred to by his stupid fake name I feel like we’re buying into his deluded world view. I think we need to come up with an alternate Blues Name for this fine specimen of humanity. Here are some suggestions:

Albino Larry Cavitypimp
The Gingivitis Kid
Lightnin’ Halitosis Busbey ”

…I shoulda been born an old black man - Romeo Rose, 2007

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 15th, 2008 at 1:18 pm and is filed under Douchebags, Laffs. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.